“All there is in the end is death, so who cares. Just be happy!”
Today is my 34th birthday. I have loved my 30s so much. My cousin turned 30 earlier this year and I was glad to find that she was looking forward to her 30s. I have accomplished so many things during my 30s. The most important thing, I think, is truly accepting and loving myself. Do you realize how many doors open up with this revelation? It’s not an arrogant, “I can do anything.” It’s a humble, solid, “I can do anything.” And maybe I can’t, but I can damn sure try anything that strikes me as enjoyable or beneficial. I can finish a half-marathon. I can go into a new place by myself. I can ask questions. I can speak to a large crowd. I can be assertive. I can openly communicate with my partner. I can start a blog and share it with anyone who wants to read it. I can go out in public with unwashed hair. I can testify in a court room. I can make small talk, even if I don’t like it. I can switch jobs. I can drive wherever I want to go. I can get out my little journal and jot down whatever whenever I am called to do so.
To be fair, “truly accepting and loving myself” is absolutely a work in progress. There are good days, there are great days and there are days when I have to consciously focus on positive self-talk and on reversing all of the negative thoughts that are attempting to overwhelm me. On those bad days, I can be found writing out a list of positive self-talk statements, like a “newbie.” There’s no shame in my game, folks. I will feel proud and tell whoever will listen about whatever it is I do to live my happiest, best possible life – sometimes that’s re-reading an old list, sometimes it’s writing a new list, sometimes it’s just remembering.
Today is my 34th birthday. I told Tristi this is the first birthday in my 30s that I have felt “weird” about. I don’t feel old. I don’t necessarily feel bad, but I feel like maybe I should be doing something bigger. I can count on Tristi for a lot of things – all good things. As usual, she came through with a great perspective. She said, “Be happy. That’s all that matters!….All there is in the end is death, so who cares. Just be happy!” And just like that, I was back on track with enjoying my 30s. I am happy. I have a genuinely great life. The more I think about it, I’m not even sure what I should be doing is real. I do love my job. I do believe I am where I am for a reason. Where in the hell did the thought come from that I should be doing something bigger?
This is me today in my 34-year-old glory; sitting on the sidewalk in front of The Latest Scoop in downtown San Angelo. Something I hope to achieve in this blog is to be authentic. I could have asked Todd to take the photograph from a different angle to prevent the sun being in my eyes. I could have found a more flattering pose. I could have chosen not to ask Todd to take my picture because I wasn’t wearing make-up, my hair wasn’t fixed, I don’t have a tan, I’m wearing an outfit that could easily pass for pajamas, blah blah blah. This is the photograph I wanted.
These are the super sweet surprise birthday flowers that Todd sent to me at work yesterday. I like a good surprise. I like Todd. And I like my birthday.